Building Understanding Together

Moving Beyond Right and Wrong in Communication

 

Introduction

I wanted to create a simple, ‘information sheet’, kind of blog to support couples who may have difficulty in their communication. This is quite a generic worksheet which may apply to you, and could potentially help in all your relationships.

When we communicate, the goal isn't to win or lose - it's to understand each other better. Sometimes it might feel like listening or showing understanding means giving up power or admitting we're wrong. This blog may help you explore a different way of thinking about communication.

Part 1: Understanding the "Right vs. Wrong" Trap

Before we practice communication skills, let's explore a common situation:

Scenario

You and your partner disagree about something important. You feel strongly that you're right.

 o   What happens in your body when you feel you need to defend your position?

o   What do you fear might happen if you listen to your partner's perspective?

o   What could you gain by understanding their view, even if you still disagree?

 

Remember: Understanding your partner's perspective doesn't mean:

 

o   Agreeing with them

o   Giving up your position

o   Losing the argument

o   Being wrong

 

It simply means: "I want to understand how you see this"

 

Part 2: Strength in Listening

 

True strength in a relationship comes from:

o   Being secure enough to hear different viewpoints

o   Having the courage to understand without immediately defending

o   Being confident enough in your position to explore others'

 

Practice saying these phrases:

o   "I feel strong enough to hear your perspective"

o   "I can hold my truth while understanding yours"

o   "Understanding you doesn't threaten my position"

 

  Part 3: Moving Beyond Win-Lose

Key Principle

In a healthy relationship, either both partners win, or both lose.

Instead of:

"If I listen, I lose"

"If I understand, I'm wrong"

"If I reflect their feelings, I'm giving in"

 Try thinking:

"We're both trying to make this relationship work"

"Understanding each other makes us both stronger"

"We can disagree and still respect each other's views"

 

Part 4: Practice Exercise - Equal Power Sharing

 

Take turns with this exercise (15 minutes each):

 

Partner A's Turn

1. Share your perspective on a disagreement

2. Notice if you feel the need to "win"

3. State what you're willing to understand about your partner's view

 

Partner B's Role

1. Listen without planning your defence

2. Notice your urge to prove you're right

3. Share what you heard, starting with "I hear that..."

 

Then switch roles.

Part 5: Building Mutual Strength

 

Complete these statements together:

 

1. When I listen to you, I demonstrate strength by...

2. When you understand me, it doesn't mean...

3. We can both be right about...

4. Our relationship wins when...

 

Power-Conscious Communication Agreement

 

We understand that:

* Listening doesn't mean surrendering

* Understanding doesn't mean agreeing

* Both perspectives can have validity

* Our relationship is stronger than our disagreements

* You chose to listen despite the urge to defend

* You felt strong while understanding your partner

* You maintained your position while hearing theirs

 

___________________________

Remember: The strongest relationships aren't about who's right or wrong - they're about understanding each other while maintaining our own truth.

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