Every family has its unwritten chapters, those stories that shape us without ever being spoken aloud.

 

They live in the silence between holiday conversations, and in the subtle tensions at family gatherings and celebrations, and in the patterns, we unconsciously carry forward into the next generation. These maybe historic, yet they may feel (or be) very current.

 

In my work, I've witnessed how these hidden narratives influence our present-day relationships, our choice of partners; because we naturally gravitate to people who can provide familiar feelings/experiences (ever notice how your partner may have traits or ways of one of your parents?) and influences how we understand of ourselves. And they also undoubtedly influence child mental health. 

 

Sometimes, the heaviness we carry isn't our own story at all, but rather an inherited chapter we never chose to read. The lived experience was never ours, but the coping strategies: the fears, anxieties, the not being good enough etc, the need to control or to fix situations are embedded in the generational patterns for years to come. We may call these OCD, depression, anxiety, anger issues, or any diagnosis or disorder we may ascribe to the issues that we might say, sits outside of ‘normal’.

 

We do not get a clean slate for each generation. The experiences of the previous generation are carried forward. Not necessarily in spoken words, but shaped through the responses, our ancestors’ ways of coping (what was accepted and what was shutdown, what was valued and what was dismissed), and the overt and covert handed down ways of being.

 

These are all subsequently absorbed by the next generation. And you will then parent or enter your new relationships with these subconscious blueprints.

 

It's often easier to focus on one family member's 'difficult' behaviour than to look at the deeper patterns that created it – after all, identifying a 'problem person (or child)' feels simpler (and often safer) than facing the complex web of unspoken family dynamics. 

 

Remember, taking time to understand your family's unspoken story isn't about blame – it's about awareness, growth, and the possibility of writing new chapters for yourself, and your children's (if you have them) future. 

So, what does this look like in practice?

These intergenerational patterns can manifest in countless ways, often so subtle that families don't recognise them until they are raised into awareness. Here are some examples of how these patterns emerge and repeat:

The Silent Legacy

When a family experiences significant trauma – perhaps a loss, abuse, or family breakdown – it often becomes ‘the thing we don't talk about.’ This silence doesn't protect the next generation, instead, it transforms it. Children grow up in an atmosphere where certain emotions or experiences feel unspeakable. They might develop anxiety about speaking up, struggle to express their needs, or internalise their problems rather than seek help. The original trauma may be long forgotten, but its echo remains in the family's communication patterns.

In these situations, I often find that one child does speak up, does have outbursts and will act out. Rather than be heard and validated, the family (or one of the parents) may find it distressing and the child becomes the focus, so a solution is sought. Rather than see it as an opportunity to break the cycle by addressing everyone else’s (or one of the parents) uneasiness for the child’s display of high emotion and validate their distress, the child is instead seen as ‘outside of normal’. It is a known fact that families will do their best to maintain homeostasis. A situation such as this is often managed to ensure the focus is taken away from the real issue being highlighted.

In a nutshell, the emotional child, challenging the ‘seen and not heard’ handed down family value - will inevitably cause distress.

The Control Pattern

When a parent who experienced an unpredictable childhood becomes a parent themself, they might develop rigid control mechanisms to manage their own anxiety. The child's normal developmental behaviours, testing boundaries, expressing independence, having emotional outbursts, can trigger deep-seated fears of chaos. Instead of seeing these behaviours as normal childhood development, they are interpreted as problems that need fixing. The child's natural responses become labelled as 'difficult' or 'defiant,' creating a new layer of family tension.

The Hypervigilant Child

When a parent is volatile, quick to anger, or unpredictably critical, their child develops an exquisite awareness of emotional undercurrents as a survival mechanism. They become emotional weather forecasters, constantly scanning for signs of brewing storms in their parent's mood. This hypervigilance – learning to read the slightest change in facial expression, tone of voice, or body language – might help them navigate their childhood safely, but it comes at a cost. These children often grow into adults who carry an exhausting sense of responsibility for others' emotions. They may become people-pleasers, constantly trying to keep the peace, or develop anxiety about any sign of disapproval. Their heightened sensitivity, born from necessity, can lead them to believe they're somehow responsible for managing everyone's emotions, just as they learned to manage their parent's. In their own adult relationships, they might struggle with setting boundaries, constantly fear abandonment, or feel overwhelming anxiety when others express negative emotions – still carrying that childhood belief that they must somehow make everything okay.

  

Context is everything

 

These patterns don't mean families are broken; rather, they're doing their best with the tools they inherited. Understanding these dynamics isn't about assigning blame – it's about recognising that each generation has the power to become aware, to heal, and to choose different paths forward. When we understand where these patterns come from, we can begin to understand ourselves first and break free from cycles that no longer serve us.

I help people understand their relational and family blueprints because I believe context is everything. While our current mental health system often focuses on individual pathology – suggesting our struggles stem from internal disorders or dysfunction.

We are now learning that the social model of mental health should be our area of research…and its gaining traction.

Our moods, emotions, and behaviours aren't random malfunctions. They're responses shaped by our relationships and experiences. We don't exist in isolation; we're always responding to our environment, our history, and our connections with others. Understanding these patterns can transform how we view ourselves, parent our children, and build relationships.